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But most likely not from me.
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22nd-Oct-2006 01:18 pm - A better mood
eye
I wasn't in a good mindset when I wrote my last post and I know it sounded a little dramatic but I can't help feeling that way sometimes. In reality, I could never stop caring about the people around me. And I wouldn't want to stop.
I have just been so frustrated lately and I can’t find a good outlet. I have become disconnected with the social world; and being the social person I am, this is slowly torturing me. I can’t help but wonder why I am becoming so detached. Am I doing it to myself? Are others doing it to me? I think a little of both. Why is it becoming increasingly harder to find friends and keep friends? And then today a good friend of mine put into perfect words.

He said, "I think it's weird for you. Like, I look at you and I don't see you having a community. I feel when you are young you need to feel like you are a part of something; a college or a group of friends or a job or something. Or else you need another person who is your community. And (certain friends) both have another person and a community. And I look at you and I still see someone who's trying to figure it out. And you still have your friends but you're like... on the fringe of their communities.”

I think he hit the nail on the head.

Our communities change as we get older and meet new people. Many of my friends are already starting to settle down. They are almost done with school and talking about marriage while I am still looking to have some stupid adolescent fun. I am not ready to grow up. I still have bad choices to make, places to see, things to do. And I feel alone on this quest for excitement. I feel like I am the “crazy young’n” causing trouble amongst the “wanna-be-responsible-Adults”. Does that make any sense?
And now I am just trying to find a community that feels the same way I do.
Maybe I am just in the wrong place.
22nd-Oct-2006 03:30 am - What now
eye
What happens when you lose your friends?
What happens when you have no one to talk to?

No one to hold you and tell you it will be alright...

What happens when you have no one to listen to you?
No one who cares enough to just be there without telling you what is wrong with YOU....

I am not Ok. OK?! And no one is there. Not really.

My "friends" insult me and don't bother trying to understand.

I am done changing for them. They think I am a bad person? They think I am not empathetic? Well then, they will see what that really means. If I am already judged as such then that is what I will be.

If I am accused of not considering others feelings when that is all I do…. maybe I must REALLY NOT consider others’ feelings. Then people will see how much I DID care.

I am done letting people walk all over me. I am done being taken advantage of. Why should I try so hard? It shouldn’t be this difficult to keep friends.

……………………………………………..

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do…

I curl up into a ball, face drenched with tears.
All I can do is hold myself and cry; I have no one who cares.
14th-Aug-2006 12:18 am - Hello out there
eye
Staring blankly at the computer
clicking through hundreds of pictures, hundreds of memories

other peoples pictures...

other peoples memories...

So many smiles. So many laughes. So many captured moments in time.
I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I am just... stuck. As if in a glass box, I can see what is in front of me and I can see what is behind me but I can not get there. People are running past my box, I see them.
They used to see me; I made such an effort to be seen. But I feel that I am becoming as invisible as the box I am stuck in.

I hang out with the same people everyday. We do the same thing everyday. It is the same routine everyday. And I can't stand it.
I need to do something. I need excitement and craziness. I am 20 years old and I feel like I am missing out on all the fun.
NOT a good feeling.

What happens when school starts? Everyone will be in the cities. And I will be in suberbia. Still stuck, stuck working at caribou, stuck living at home, stuck saving for something better. How much longer? Well I need to find a way out of my box first.

No easy way. No shortcut. No help. Thats real life.
Time to sleep so I can go to work tomorrow.
18th-Jul-2006 11:04 pm - wtf?
eye
Today was special.

I found out my grandpa died. He died of a broken heart. Literally, he had a heart attack.

And then I got into an accident.

Now my back hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts.

This next month will be one to remember. A wedding, a funeral, a vacation.

I just wanna sleep now.
eye
I am upset.
Actually, a little more than "upset". I am "throw your textbook at the wall, scream at the top of your lungs, snarling, crying upset"!!!!!!

I just finished an anatomy test for my class online. I got FUCKING 60%!! Again. I got 60% last time too.

OHHH BUT that ISN'T the problem. In the begging I wasn't getting 60%, I was getting 90-95%!!! And I am not doing anything differently!!!

I use my fucking book while testing! And questions I am positive are right have been wrong.

I thought last week was a fluke test. One bad test with bad questions paired with bad answers. BUTTT NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Apparently this week is the same!!! I read and REREAD the chapters. Where are the answers that were supposed to be correct?! Yeah, couldn't find them. Nope, no where to be found. So what the fuck? Am I supposed to guess? I kept finding the answers that I PUT! But not the "correct" answers. Fuck the correct answers. If they wanted those answers, they should have put them in the book. How am I supposed to know the crap on the tests if it isn't in the book? It is an ONLINE COURSE, I only have the book! The book should be where the questions come from. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
I seriously need to throw something! I am NOT getting a bad grade because the tests are stupid!! That isn't my fault.
I am using all of my power not to send a nasty email to my teacher about his fucked up tests.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I need to go find something to do that will get rid of this snarl on my face. Good day.
15th-Jul-2006 04:44 pm - The Wallflowers rule.
eye
I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
Oh no that the joke was on me

This is a good song. Kinda sad, but good. Even though the original artists (The BeeGees) rock I perfer the Wallflowers version of this song. If you have never heard it, go watch Zoolander. They sang it for that soundtrack.
28th-Jun-2006 11:33 am - Elijah Wood gets Punk'd
eye

This is funny. You have to watch it! I love elijah!
24th-Jun-2006 01:47 am - I felt more poetic earlier
eye
I just can't seem to win.

Whenever I wanna goof off and be crazy, I get looked down upon because I am too wild and loud.
But whenever I just wanna sit back and be a little reserved everyone else wants to be nuts and then they ridicule me for being boring. What the fuck?!

Make up your mind, and don't get mad at me for being myself. Also, how come whenever I wanna have some fun I need to FORCE others to do wacky things with me?

Also, I hate that whenever I meet someone (someone datable) my friends all go into a major lecture about what I need to do and not do.

Be your witty self
but don't laugh at your own jokes

Don't talk too loud
cause when you get nervous you talk too loud

Be personable
but don't give everything away, be mysterious, aloof

Be nice
but not little girl, friendly nice

Be yourself
but don't be YOUR self.

Huh?
Thank you for telling me what to do on a date.

Most of the things they tell me I already know. I DO talk loud (especially on the phone) when I get nervous and I DO give too much away too quickly. But I have been trying to change these things for a while and I don’t need to be told that I still do them. I know that I do. And I am working on it. Just DON”T tell me everything I do is wrong. That is pretty much saying that I am wrong and that everything I am is wrong. Not too pleasant, thank you.

I wish everyone would just get off my back and take me for who I am: ME.

I just can’t seem to win.
20th-Jun-2006 11:16 pm - 99 oranges
eye
Timing...... is everything.

Truly. I was thinking today, after talking with a coworker, maybe you don't always end up with your soul mate. Maybe it isn't like an "every life" kinda deal. Maybe you only end up with them in your last and complete life... And that is what makes you whole. That is what completes the package.
Doubtful...but possible. Who knows...

I just watched Shopgirl. The movie. It was one of those movies that artsy people like and romantic people don't. Luckily I am both. I am now at odds about it. I really liked it, cinematically. But it was a little TOO real for me. I live reality; I don't really want to watch reality.

The ending line was, "but that is life." I think I am conflicted because it was a good ending but not a perfect ending. AND THAT is reality. Life is usually good but never perfect. Because if real life was always perfect it wouldn't be interesting. A good story always needs some conflict. And in movies, the end is usually the resolution of the movie whereas the end of life is death. Hummm, not quite sure if that made sense in writing but it did in my mind.

The more I think about it the more I like the movie because it was really a happy ending. Just a happy ending with a "but..." And that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Right now, I am stuck in a funk. I can't quite motivate myself to go after what I really want. And I can't figure out why... Yet I am not unhappy. Or happy... I am just kind of here. There. Watching myself living while feeling through sleep and dreams.
It is time to end this.
Next step: try and find a roommate and lose weight (so I can act on film).
If you want something, you need to begin the journey yourself.
Nothing happens without work.
5th-Jun-2006 10:36 am - Screwed
eye
I don't know what to do.

I am currently looking at apartments online.
My parents pretty much told me to get out.
Why?
Because they didn't think my room was clean enough.

I clean my room on Saturdays and I did. But it got a little messy since Saturday. Don't know how. Anyways, they accused me of not cleaning at all. And while I was at work last night they went into my room last night and started taking stuff and cleaning stuff. I found numerous things I wanted in the trash and other things are completely gone. Talk about snoops. Here is the conversation that followed.

Me: "What is your problem? I cleaned my room like I was supposed to. What do you want? It is not going to be clean all the time. I am not an obsessive neat freak like you. I have had a messy room since I was five and you expect me to change right now?

Them: "We ask few things of you Rachel. You aren't a child anymore. And you treat all of our stuff like garbage!" (That last was an untrue statement on their part)

Me: It is not your stuff, it is my stuff. I bought most of it and I can do whatever I want with it. NOW, STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!"

Them: "It’s not YOUR room, it is OUR room. And anything in it is ours and you have no privacy rights. Privacy is a privilege. And forget about using the car; don't talk to us like that. Now if you want to live like that then we suggest you find a friend and move out."

I proceeded to put a lock on my door. They can get around that when they notice. Which they will because they are ALWAYS going into my room.

So here I am looking at apartments thinking, "What the hell am I going to do?" I have no where to go and no car to get me there. I have no one to room with and I can't afford to live alone. And again, I have no car. So even if I managed to find a roommate and apartment how would I get to work to pay for it? There are no buses. Doesn't work.

What the hell am I going to do?
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